Answering machine at a psychiatric facility:
– If you suffer from obsessive-compulsive disorder, keep pressing 1.
– If you suffer from multiple personality disorder, press 2 and 3 simultaneously.
– If you suffer from a delusion of persecution, there is no need to press anything. We already know who you are. Please stay on the line while we figure out where you are calling from.
– If you suffer from hallucinations, press 4 and you (and only you) will see an orange crocodile.
– If you suffer from schizophrenia, please ask your imaginary friend to press 5 for you.
– If you suffer from depression, it does not matter what you press. Nothing can be done…
– If you are indecisive, please leave a message after the tone; or before the tone; or during the tone; or don’t leave a message at all!
– If you suffer from low self esteem, please hang up and call us back. All of our operators are busy helping patients who are worthier than you.