Answering machine at the psychiatric ward:
– If you suffer from obsessive-compulsive disorder, keep pressing 1.
– If you have multiple personality disorder, press 2 and 3 simultaneously.
– If you suffer from the delusion of persecution, there is no need to press anything. We already know who you are. Please stay on the line while we are figuring out where you are calling from.
– If you suffer from hallucinations, press 4 and you (and only you) will see an orange crocodile.
– If you suffer from schizophrenia, please ask your imaginary friend to press 5 for you.
– If you suffer from depression, it does not matter what you press. Nothing can be done about it.
– If you are indecisive, please leave a message after the tone. Or before the tone. Or during the tone. Or don’t leave a message at all!
– If you suffer from low self-esteem, please hang up and call us back. All of our operators are busy helping patients who are worthier than you.

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